Reflections

It occurs to me that I am selfish in my walk with the Lord. Much more so than I realized. There are so many of those hidden sins of the mind that are so easily overlooked. Worry, pride, selfishness. As I grow closer and search harder for the smallest things that separate me from a closeness that I desire with the God of the universe, these things become more evident. We typically begin with the "big" or outward things in our lives when growing closer to the Lord. Things like smoking, swearing, drinking, hanging out with the wrong people. Things like doing Quiet Time, getting involved in a church, learning more about God. And as our walk progresses, it becomes deeper and therefore deeper issues present themselves. They are harder to deal with because they are not surface level, they go to the heart, beneath what we can see. But they are the roots of so many struggles we face again and again. Selfishness is one of those "quiet" or "hidden" sins that we rarely discuss and yet all encounter. (If anyone thinks they aren't selfish then they are lying, but that's another topic.) It is one thing I thought I didn't struggle with very often, but since returning from break, I have been out of sorts, and in examining the reasoning behind my dissatisfaction and unrest, I have pinpointed the root of selfishness. I desire to grow in the Lord, know more about Him, please Him, because of the promised blessings that often follow the commands we have been given. I have been driven in my studies by the knowledge and expectation of those blessings which God provides. My focus has shifted, ever so slightly, almost unrecognizably. My ultimate purpose is to give Him glory, to thank Him for His salvation, not to live for what I can get out of the deal. I have been challenged: will I continue to follow, to grow, to pour into others, even when I am not getting my own way? God demands my praise because of Who He is, not because of what He is doing for me. I deserve nothing. The more I remember that, the less dissatisfaction I will experience. When my focus is on the holiness, the righteousness, the amazing grace and mercy of  the Lord, my eyes are off me and on Him. The best way to combat selfishness is to focus on the One Who is never selfish.